I'm thirsty!

Focus, noun: a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity.

I do not have this. My ability to focus on one thing is so bad that I often tell others my attention span is about as bad as an A.D.H.D. kid on a sugar buzz. I'll begin one thing, start another, then another and continue on completely forgetting about what I was originally doing. This is why my four websites are so perfect for me - they require hardly any input from me. I have bounced back and forth between wanting to do a review website, a database of video games, writing a story, and hundreds of other things. My mind never stays on one thing and then it moves on.

Even now, writing this blog entry, I find myself struggling to keep my attention on this page and not the countless other distractions around me. Looking up the word focus for the little introduction up top led me to read about the word history, which led me to read about focal length and lenses, which led me to reading about cameras and then - oddly enough - the electromagnetic spectrum. Before I wrote the first line of this post I had jumped 4 subjects and was reading about wavelengths and frequencies.

This little bit of oddity is the reason I seem to remember such random things. Someone will just slightly mention some off the wall topic and I'll respond with a "did you know" from that subject. People seem amazed by this and have called me all sorts of adjectives like" intelligent" and "smart". I wish I felt this way about myself but in general I do not find this to be some sort of gift bestowed upon me. My inability to keep my concentration on one thing at a time is my curse. A horrible curse that has resulted in me being unable to even study for a class I was enthusiastic in taking a few years ago. Even something interesting to me was unable to hold my attention.

After doing a bit of research - and by a bit I mean 10 minutes - I discovered that my quip about A.D.H.D. may not have been far off. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV says that people with six or more of the following symptoms for at least six months may be diagnosed as having a subtype of A.D.H.D. called A.D.H.D. Predominantly Inattentive.

• Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
• Often has trouble keeping attention to tasks or play activities.
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
• Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions.)
• Often has trouble organizing activities.
• Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time.
• Often loses things needed for tasks and activities.
• Is often easily distracted.
• Is often forgetful in daily activities.

Also given is a list of examples of observed symptoms.

• Often making careless mistakes when having to work on uninteresting or difficult projects.
• Often having difficulty keeping attention during work, or holding down a job for a significant amount of time.
• Often having difficulty concentrating on conversations.
• Having trouble finishing projects that have already been started.
• Often having difficulty organizing for the completion of tasks.
• Avoiding or delaying in starting projects that require a lot of thought.
• Often misplacing or having difficulty finding things at home or at work.
• Disorganized personal items causing excessive "clutter".
• Often distracted by activity or noise.
• Often having problems remembering appointments or obligations, or inconveniently changing plans on a regular basis.

The items in green above highlight issues I have. This list  describes me to such an incredible degree that I'm surprised I hadn't run across this before. The general description of A.D.H.D.-P.I. is "characterized primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, forgetfulness, and lethargy."

As I continue to read about this, I see here that children who have this are often branded as lazy, not trying, irresponsible, and having a lack of showing effort. I was told this countless times as a kid growing up.

The more intelligent inattentive children may realize on some level that they are somehow different internally from their peers; however, they are unfortunately also likely to accept and internalize the continuous negative feedback, creating a negative self-image that becomes self-reinforcing. If these children progress into adulthood undiagnosed or untreated, their inattentiveness, ongoing frustrations, and poor self-image frequently create numerous and severe problems maintaining healthy relationships, succeeding in postsecondary schooling, or succeeding in the workplace. These problems can compound frustrations and low self-esteem, and will often lead to the development of secondary pathologies including anxiety disorders, mood disorders, and substance abuse.

I see this, and it is me in text. The crazy thing is that I don't know what to do about this. And this post, writing it, has drained me which is something else I've also noticed about me. When I do need to put my attention to one thing and force myself to push through I find myself physically and mentally wore out.