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	<title>Doug Speaks &#187; Religious Spam</title>
	<atom:link href="http://doug-speaks.com/blog/category/religion/religious-spam/feed/" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" />
	<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog</link>
	<description>I&#039;m thirsty!</description>
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		<title>Religious Spam 8 &#8211; Surprise! ACLU Hates the Military</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2010/02/religious-spam-8-surprise-aclu-hates-the-military/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2010/02/religious-spam-8-surprise-aclu-hates-the-military/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 17 Feb 2010 02:03:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Comedy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[global atheist]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[lies]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[military]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=182</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[That damn crazy ACLU. Always raining on the Christian's parade.
MILITARY CROSSES BEING REMOVED
I AM HONORED TO DO THIS
Did you know that the ACLU has filed a suit to have all military cross-shaped headstones removed and another suit to end prayer from the military completely. They're making great progress. The Navy Chaplains can no longer mention ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>That damn crazy ACLU. Always raining on the Christian's parade.</p>
<blockquote class="crazy"><p>MILITARY CROSSES BEING REMOVED</p>
<p>I AM HONORED TO DO THIS</p>
<p>Did you know that the ACLU has filed a suit to have all military cross-shaped headstones removed and another suit to end prayer from the military completely. They're making great progress. The Navy Chaplains can no longer mention Jesus' name in prayer thanks to the wretched ACLU and our new administration.</p>
<p>I'm not breaking this one. If I get it a 1000 times, I'll forward it a 1000 times!</p>
<p>Let us pray...</p>
<p>Prayer chain for our Military... Don't break it!<br />
Please send this on after a short prayer. Pray for our soldiers<br />
Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands<br />
Protect them as they protect us<br />
Bless them and their families for the selfless act they perform for us in time of need.</p>
<p>In Jesus Name.<br />
Amen. '</p>
<p>Prayer Request: When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our troops around the world. There is nothing attached. Just send this to people in your address book. Do not let it stop with you. Of all the gifts you could give a Marine, Soldier, Sailor, Airman, &amp; others deployed in harm's way, prayer is the very best one.<br />
GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON!</p></blockquote>
<p>Crazy. I find it funny how the ACLU helps the Christian's fight for their rights yet attack them for defending the rights of others. Hypocrisy at its finest. I can only hope this family friend keeps supplying me with winners like this.</p>
<p>Oh, and like many of the things that come out of Christian mouths: this is a bold face lie. See the article on <a href="http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/cemetery.asp">Snopes.com</a>.</p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 7 &#8211; Untimely Death</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2010/01/religious-spam-7-untimely-death/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2010/01/religious-spam-7-untimely-death/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Jan 2010 20:40:37 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[bogus facts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[global atheist]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=74</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[This one is a little long so I'm leaving out the normal "crazy" styling for this one. Enjoy!
DID YOU KNOW THESE FACTS?
I SURE DIDN'T TILL NOW
Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!
Make a personal reflection about this...
Very interesting, read until the end. It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):
'Be not deceived; ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>This one is a little long so I'm leaving out the normal "crazy" styling for this one. Enjoy!</p>
<hr />DID YOU KNOW THESE FACTS?</p>
<p>I SURE DIDN'T TILL NOW</p>
<p>Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!</p>
<p>Make a personal reflection about this...</p>
<p>Very interesting, read until the end. It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):</p>
<blockquote><p>'Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sow, that shall he also reap.'</p></blockquote>
<p>Here are some men and women who mocked God :</p>
<p><strong>John Lennon (Singer):</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Some years before, during his interview with an American magazine, he said:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">'Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that.... I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, today we are more famous than Him' (1966).</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.<span id="more-74"></span></p>
<p><strong>Tancredo Neves  (President of Brazil):</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure, he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died.</p>
<p><strong>Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">During a show in Canecio (Rio de Janeiro), while smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: 'God, that's for you.' He died at the age of 32 of LUNG CANCER in a horrible manner.</p>
<p><strong>The man who built the Titanic:</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be With an ironic tone he said: 'Not even God can sink it.' The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic</p>
<p><strong>Marilyn Monroe (Actress)</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: 'I don't need your Jesus'. A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.</p>
<p><strong>Bon Scott (Singer)</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs, he sang: 'Don't stop me; I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell'. On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead. He had been choked by his own vomit.</p>
<p><strong>Campinas (In 2005)</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">In Campinas , Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend. The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter, holding her hand, who was already seated in the car: 'My daughter, go with God and may He protect you.' She responded: 'Only if He (God) travels in the trunk, 'cause inside here....it's already full.' Hours later, news came that they had been involved in a fatal accident. Everyone had died. The car could not be recognized as to what type of car it had been, but, surprisingly, the trunk was intact. The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs None was broken.</p>
<p><strong>Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer)</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Said the Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written. In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.</p>
<p>Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.</p>
<p>'Jesus'</p>
<p>PS: If it was a joke, you would have sent it to everyone. So are you going to have courage to send this? I have done my part.</p>
<p>Jesus said, 'If you are embarrassed about me, I will also be embarrassed about you before my Father.'</p>
<p>You are my 8 in 8 seconds.</p>
<p>I am not breaking this. No way!</p>
<p>I'M TOLD THIS WORKS!!!!!</p>
<p>Bishop T.D. Jakes '8 Second Prayer...'</p>
<p>Just repeat this prayer and see how God moves!!</p>
<p>'Lord, I love you and I need you. Come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen.'</p>
<p>Pass this message to 8 people</p>
<p>{EXCEPT YOU AND ME}.</p>
<p>You will receive a miracle tomorrow.</p>
<p>I hope that you don't ignore and let God bless you.</p>
<hr />I found this to be an excellent rebuttal: <a href="http://www.thinkatheist.com/forum/topics/forming-a-response-the">http://www.thinkatheist.com/forum/topics/forming-a-response-the</a></p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 6 &#8211; War on Christmas!</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-6-war-on-christmas/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-6-war-on-christmas/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:00:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fantasy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[war on christmas]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=86</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[I had quite a wonderful treat in my e-mail today. Seems a friend of the family sent out a wonderful classic Christmas poem with slightly altered wording. The complete ignorance shown in this little poem completely blows my mind. Their entire argument is void and null because their mythical fantasy of Christ isn't the reason ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I had quite a wonderful treat in my e-mail today. Seems a friend of the family sent out a wonderful classic Christmas poem with slightly altered wording. The complete ignorance shown in this little poem completely blows my mind. Their entire argument is void and null because their mythical fantasy of Christ isn't the reason for the season, only the reason for the name that is stamped on it. Then again, we are talking about the people who have bred the dumbfucks who think that there was no bible before the King James version so it isn't that large of a leap to believe that Christmas came first.</p>
<p class="crazy" style="padding-left: 30px;">*Twas the month before Christmas*<br />
*When all through our land,*<br />
*Not a Christian was praying*<br />
*Nor taking a stand.*<br />
*See the PC Police had taken away,*<br />
*The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*<br />
*The children were told by their schools not to sing,*<br />
*About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*<br />
*It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*<br />
* December 25th is just a 'Holiday'.*<br />
*Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*<br />
*Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*<br />
*CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*<br />
*Something was changing, something quite odd! *<br />
*Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*<br />
*In hopes to sell books by Franken &amp; Fonda.*<br />
*As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*<br />
* At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*<br />
*At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*<br />
*You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*<br />
*Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*<br />
*Are words that were used to intimidate me.*<br />
*Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*<br />
*On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!*<br />
*At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*<br />
*To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.*<br />
*And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*<br />
* Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*<br />
*The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*<br />
*The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*<br />
*So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*<br />
*Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*<br />
*Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*<br />
*Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,<br />
not Happy Holiday!*<br />
Please, all Christians join together and<br />
wish everyone you meet<br />
MERRY CHRISTMAS<br />
Christ is The Reason for the Christ-mas Season!<br />
If you agree please forward, if not, simply delete.</p>
<p><em>Remember children, it is un-Christ like to be inclusive to other people. We live in Uhmereeka damn it! We's a christian nation! Speak English and pretend to read the bible or get the hell out.</em></p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 5 &#8211; Jesus goes Native Metaphor</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-5-jesus-goes-native-metaphor/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-5-jesus-goes-native-metaphor/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 15 Dec 2009 19:59:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=84</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!
My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!</p>
<p>My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be fun to share them, possibly offer humorous and/or witty comments regarding them.</p>
<div class="crazy"> </span></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Cherokee Legend</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him an leaves him alone.  He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it.  He cannot cry out for help to anyone.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The boy is naturally terrified.. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him . Maybe even some human might do him<br />
harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could  become a man!<br />
Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him.<br />
He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">We, too, are never alone.<br />
Even when we don't know it, God is watching over  us, Sitting on the stump beside us.<br />
When trouble comes, all we have to do  is reach out to Him.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">If you liked this story, pass it on.<br />
If not, you took off your blindfold  before dawn.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Moral of the story:<br />
Just because you can't see God,<br />
Doesn't mean He is not there.<br />
"For we walk by faith, not by sight.."
</div>
<p>Oh my...</p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 4 &#8211; NASA and the Bible</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-4-nasa-and-the-bible/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/12/religious-spam-4-nasa-and-the-bible/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 05 Dec 2009 19:57:50 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=82</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!
My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!</p>
<p>My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be fun to share them, possibly offer humorous and/or witty comments regarding them.</p>
<div class="crazy">
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">NASA &amp;THE BIBLE</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Thought this was pretty amazing and interesting!!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">For all the scientists out there, and for all the students who have a hard time convincing these people regarding the truth of the Bible, here's something that shows God's awesome creation, and that He is still in control.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Did you know that the space program is busy proving that what has been called 'myth' in the Bible is true?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Mr. Harold Hill, President of the Curtis Engine Company in Baltimore, Maryland, and a consultant in the space program, relates the following development.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">'I think one of the most amazing things that God has done for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Green Belt, Maryland.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">They were checking out where the positions of the sun, moon, and planets would be 100 years and 1,000 years from now. We have to know this so we won't send up a satellite and have it bump into something later on in its orbits.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">We have to lay out the orbits in terms of the life of the satellite and where the planets will be so the whole thing will not bog down.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">They ran the computer measurement back and forth over the centuries, and it came to a halt. The computer stopped and put up a red signal, which meant that there was something wrong with either the information fed into it or with the results as compared to the standards.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">They called in the service department to check it out, and they said, 'What's wrong?' Well, they found there is a day missing in space in elapsed time.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">They scratched their heads and tore their hair out. There was no answer.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Finally a Christian man on the team said, 'You know, one time I was in Sunday School, and they talked about the sun standing still.' While they didn't believe him, they didn't have an answer either, so they said, 'Show us, '</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">He got a Bible and went to the book of Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement for any one with 'common sense.'</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">There they found the Lord saying to Joshua ,</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">'Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not a man of them stand before Thee.'</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy! And if darkness fell, they would overpower them. So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still! That's right... 'The sun stood still and the moon stayed and lasted not to go down about a whole day!'<br />
( Joshua 10:12-13)</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The astronauts and scientists said, There is the missing day! They checked the computers going back into the time it was written and found it was close but not close enough. The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua 's day was 23 hours and 20 minutes, not a whole day..</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">They read the Bible, and there it was about [approximately] a day.. These little words in the Bible are important, but they were still in trouble because if you canno t account for 40 minutes, you'll still be in trouble 1000 years from now.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits. As the Christian employee thought about it, he remembered somewhere in the Bible where it said the sun went BACKWARDS.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The scientists told him he was out of his mind, but they got out the Book and read these words in 2 Kings that told of the following story: Hezekiah, on his death bed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah who told him that he was not going to die. Hezekiah asked for a sign as proof. Isaiah said 'Do you want the sun to go ahead 10 degrees?'</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Hezekiah said, 'It is nothing for the sun to go ahead 10 degrees, but let the shadow return backward 10 degrees.' Isaiah spoke to the Lord, and the Lord brought the shadow ten degrees BACKWARD! Ten degrees is exactly 40 minutes!'</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Twenty-three hours and 20 minutes in Joshua , plus 40 minutes in Second Kings make the missing day in the universe! Isn't it amazing?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">References: Joshua 10:8 and 12, 13 and 2 Kings 20:9-11.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Forward this to as many people who you believe would think this is equally as cool.<br />
If God could do this then; how much more can he do for us today. If we only believe in his word. Never be afraid to try something new.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">All I have and all that I am is by the Grace 0f God!</p>
</div>
<p>Haha... ha haha... I would love for God to move the sun around in the sky. That would sure show them heathen scientist a thing or two.</p>
<p>The sad thing about this story - and that is all it is - is many of the recipients of this e-mail will truly think that this is told verbatim from an actual conversation that someone just so happened to witness and write down to spread around. Then again these are the same people who believe that the gospels are first hand accounts. Of course we know they were written many decades after the fact. It'd be like writing an autobiography about someone you never met and died before you were born with limited sources of information.</p>
<p>That being said... I have countless astronomical simulators, gravity simulators, and basic mathematics (ok, maybe not basic math) that shows no disturbed periods in the rotation of the earth. A simulation could not detect something like this anyways which completely falsifies this entire story. Even if we were to momentarily accept the idea that some higher power stopped and even reversed the rotation of the earth, there is no way a simulator would pick up on that.</p>
<p>Regarding the person that is explained as having witnessed this event, Mr Harold Hill:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Another problem is that NASA has denied that Harold Hill was ever one of its consultants.<br />
James S. Lacy, from the Office of Public Relations for NASA, wrote in a letter to a journalist that the only trace they could find of a Harold Hill having any connection with NASA was a person who was involved in contracting for the operations and maintenance of some diesel engine operations. (<a title="Source" href="http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/j/joshuaday.htm">Source</a>)</p>
<p>Besides, 23:20 + 0:40 = 24 hours. Anyone with a bit of knowledge knows that the day is <strong>not</strong> 24 hours long.</p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 3 &#8211; Jesus Pancakes</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-3-jesus-pancakes/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-3-jesus-pancakes/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 19:56:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=80</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!
My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!</p>
<p>My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be fun to share them, possibly offer humorous and/or witty comments regarding them.</p>
<div class="crazy">
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Making Pancakes</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Six year old  Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Brandon  was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad..</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">And just then he saw Dad standing at the door big crocodile tears welled up in; Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess.. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">That's how God deals with us... We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make pancakes' for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, 'I love you' can heal &amp; bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Suppose one morning you were called to God; do all your friends know you love them?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Send this to everyone you love, and send it back to the person who sent it to you… And never stop 'making pancakes.</p>
</div>
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		<title>Religious Spam 2 &#8211; Jesus Saves Little Wet Pants</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-2-jesus-saves-little-wet-pants/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-2-jesus-saves-little-wet-pants/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:54:41 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=78</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!
My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!</p>
<p>My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be fun to share them, possibly offer humorous and/or witty comments regarding them.</p>
<div class="crazy">
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Come with me to a third grade classroom......</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.  He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened.  It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it.  When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, “Dear God, this is an emergency!  I need help now!  Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.”</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water.  Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!”</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.  The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.  All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.  The sympathy is wonderful, but as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.  “You've done enough, you klutz!”</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, “You did that on purpose, didn't you?” Susie whispers back, “I wet my pants once too.”</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do well.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Remember........Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Each and everyone one of us is going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can.  Keep the faith.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">My instructions were to pick people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you.  Please pass this to people you want to be blessed and a copy back to me.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive.  There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let's continue to pray for one another.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The Prayer:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now.  Show them a new revelation of Your love and power, Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.  Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.  Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace.  Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs.  Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings.  Amen.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">If the Lord lies upon your heart to send this to more people, you are truly blessed.</p>
</div>
<p>Funny how their God can hear the cries of children who've embarrassingly pissed on themselves yet doesn't hear the cries of children through-out the world dying in starvation.</p>
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		<title>Religious Spam 1 &#8211; Jesus Pays the Bills</title>
		<link>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-1-jesus-pays-the-bills/</link>
		<comments>http://doug-speaks.com/blog/2009/11/religious-spam-1-jesus-pays-the-bills/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:52:14 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Douglas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Religious Spam]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://doug-speaks.com/blog/?p=76</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!
My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be ]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It's a quiet evening and you're checking your e-mail. Suddenly and without thought your eyes begin to roll. You can't help it: a family member has just sent you Religious Spam™!</p>
<p>My family - nearly all of them - are religious. Hardcore Pentecostal and therefore I get these e-mails a lot. I thought it would be fun to share them, possibly offer humorous and/or witty comments regarding them.</p>
<div class="crazy">
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Ever wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat  our cell phone?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we carried  it around in our purses or pockets?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we flipped  through it several times a day?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we turned  back to go get it if we forgot it?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we used it   to receive messages from the text?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we treated  it like we couldn't live without it?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we gave it  to Kids as gifts?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we used it  when we traveled?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What if we used it  in case of emergency?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">This is something  to make you go.....hmm......where is my Bible?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Oh, and one more  thing.<br />
Unlike our cell  phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being<br />
disconnected because  Jesus already paid the  bill.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Makes you stop and think 'where are my priorities? And  no dropped calls!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">P.S.  DO WHAT YOU THINK GOD WOULD WANT YOU TO DO WITH  THIS EMAIL</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Trust in the Lord and *ASAP (Always Say A Prayer)</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Have a blessed and wonderful day!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">If you are one of the 7% who will stand up for Him, forward this.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">93% of people won't forward this.</p>
</div>
<p>I would offer commentary on this but I think it can stand pretty good on its own... and by that I mean we can ridicule this e-mail on principle alone.</p>
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